Odds: Heartbeat
ODDS
Mayowa Ojo
6/10/20266 min read
There are certain things nobody tells you. No matter how much it hurts, it’s simply a waste of emotions to agonize over the fact that it has anything to do with you. It doesn’t.
When Fidelis, my husband, died I might as well have joined him. Without doubt I knew a part of me died when I got that phone call saying a container had fallen on the car he was in. We couldn’t even have a lying-in-state ceremony because I could neither allow people see his flattened frame nor bear to see it again myself. No one and nothing prepares you for such a thing.
It took three years before there was a semblance of normalcy to my life. There was finally some coordination between my brain and the muscles on my face that make smiling possible. I was going out more. Everything was fine until Obi came home with a girl that he insisted on marrying. I should have been happy. I was happy but I was also sad.
After his father died he struggled for a short while but soon assumed the role of man-of-the-house. He looked so much like my darling Fidelis. Obi talked like his father and even got angry when he disapproved of things… like his father.
No one tells you that having your child get married and leave the nest can be heart-breaking. You think you’re fine and can handle it because it’s a thing of joy but it’s equally disheartening. Much as we tried after he was born, we never had another child. So imagine how used to him I was by the time he told me he wanted to get married.
I weighed my options wisely and decided not to be a stumbling block. Better to have access to my son after his wedding than be ostracized because I fought against a marriage that would happen either way.
Adjusting to life without him was hard but not hard enough. The gods were clearly against me the day Obi was given a promotion letter that would take him out of state far away from me. Again I was happy and sad for obvious reasons. I cried myself to sleep the day he left town with his wife, UD – one year into their marriage.
Two and a half years later he was posted back to town with his wife and my fast-shrivelling existence received some life. I was happy to have him back but was not happy that they still had no child. How could they though? UD was in the UK the bulk of those years studying for her masters while Obi visited occasionally. I wanted to knock both their heads together and tell them babies are not made from a distance but since they were both back I decided to take it easy and give them time.
The visits became fewer and farther in between and so did the calls. Sometimes, Obi would only return my calls after two weeks.
“My schedule has been insane mum. Being a regional head is a lot less fancy than it sounds. I’m so sorry,” he would say.
“I’m not getting any younger oh. My calls should be priority to you or do you want to have a stranger call you to inform you that I died several days back?”
“Mum please don’t talk like this. You won’t die anytime soon. You are of so much more use to us alive than otherwise. So, tell me, how are you my first love?”
I would smile like an idiot even though I knew he only ever called me that when he was not with UD but it was perfectly fine to know I still meant something to him.
When I began to miss him almost to a point of sickness, I called him and told him I would be visiting. He checked their schedule and saw that it was okay to do so at the time and that was set.
A few days to my visit I sent him a message and he called back to confirm we were still on track. On the morning of my trip I sent him a message as I got into an Uber like he asked me to - he installed and showed me how to use it a while back.
“Mum, where are you now?” he asked when he called.
I was still on my street but lied that I was half way to his. I knew what I heard beneath his question. He wanted to cancel my visit but I was not having it. I heard him draw a deep breath before saying, he would be waiting for me.
Obi got the gate when I arrived. He looked like one of those commercial buses had dragged him through the streets and dumped him at a junk yard. Still we hugged. He was my blood. My child. My only reason for living. He was my only family. From his hug I could tell there was a lot on his mind and knew we would finally talk.
After two hours of superficial talk and some TV I finally asked him to share what was on his mind.
“It’s nothing mum. Just work stress. This is one of the few Saturdays I’m not in the office or on a plane back from somewhere.”
He tried to sound casual and I tried to appear like I was buying it.
“Any chances I will see UD before I leave today?”
“To be honest I don’t know. I called her shortly before you arrived but she couldn’t even take my calls. Sent me a message about going in for a review of some sort with her bosses and those things take a while.”
“Hmmm.”
He looked at me quizzically. “What is it mum?”
“Seeing as you’re bent on treating me like a child, I’ll act like one. When are you two going to take a holiday to see each other long enough to maybe have a child?”
“Mum we’re…”
“‘Working on it,’ I know. You know all the counter sermons I can give but it will only make your defence look paper-thin and I didn’t come here to bruise your ego or undermine your family decisions. Just work faster or take steps that will expedite your hard work.”
I looked at my watch as though it was hard to miss the huge clock in front of me. He got the message and got up to go into his room.
I took the liberty to clear the plate of food I’d been served. When I walked into that kitchen, I sensed something was off. I already knew his stories did not hold much water but I also knew he would not tell me something he did not feel comfortable enough sharing. It was the one thing I disliked about Fidelis except it was easier to manoeuvre his heart. Obi’s heart was someone else’s to manoeuvre.
I got to the front door and stood waiting for him to come out. The master bedroom window was a few steps away and I wanted to go rasp on the window but decided to wait. Finally, I heard him open his room and step out into the living room. A few seconds later a door in his room which I guessed was the en-suite bathroom opened or closed just as I heard the flushing of water down a water closet.
By the time Obi got to me he caught the last bits of the flush and we heard as water began to fill the water pot in the bathroom. We looked at each other and said volumes without saying a word.
UD was home and we both knew it. Why they would both go through the ordeal of lying to me was a mystery. I knew the girl thought I was a threat and so she treated me with just enough respect to get by. I often prayed for her that my son would not die early and leave her with a child. She had no idea what my life was like but I did not wish for her to experience it just to know.
Obi on the other hand, I wondered what about marriage had changed him so much but then again, I’m a woman and I know how much power a woman can wield over her husband without him even realizing it.
As I got into the Uber I knew it would be a long time before I visited. They were hiding something but if it was big enough to lie to me then I was better off on my own and in the dark. A part of me died that day but I saved some of me for me and made up my mind to live for my happiness.
It’s pointless agonizing over people who don’t even appreciate it.
